


baby steps

by pocketpauling



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom
Genre: M/M, WOW more chapters. hi, gasp!! unrequited????, teen 4 the swears, tommy cares joshua so much please, tommy has problems with doing things for himself sometimes. man just KISS him its ok.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25684804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketpauling/pseuds/pocketpauling
Summary: There’s something about talking to babies that’s so... freeing. No judgement, no stress - like how Tommy would vent for hours to Sunkist. Better than a therapist. No asking you hard questions, no concerned looks. Just giggling and babbling.aka tommy vents to a baby abt how much he wants to date gordon
Relationships: Gordon/Tommy (HLVRAI)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

There’s something about talking to babies that’s so... freeing. No judgement, no stress - like how Tommy would vent for hours to Sunkist. Better than a therapist. No asking you hard questions, no concerned looks. Just giggling and babbling.

Tommy liked to babysit Joshua for a lot of reasons, and that was just one of them.

He loved being around kids, found them hilarious, thought they were adorable. Always wanted his own, but work always got in the way of his romantic life, and now? Well, who wants to start a life with a 37 year old? He could at least experience _some_ of the parental life by offering to watch Joshua while Gordon was out running important errands.

So, when Tommy wasn’t fighting back tears as he cooed over the side of Joshua’s crib, he was pouring his heart out to him. Sometimes both. Right now, it was both.

Joshua had wrapped one of his tiny hands around Tommy’s index finger, trying his hardest to shake his hand any direction he could manage. It was cute. It was cute, and he really, really wanted to pick him up, hug him forever, never leave him. The validity of parental instincts was still up for debate, but if there ever was a posterchild for them, it’d be him. 

Tommy “Cares Too Much About Every Baby He’s Ever Seen” Coolatta. That’s his name.

He wipes his eyes with his other hand, trying to keep his voice level, entirely for his own sake. “You - look at you, look at your motor control!” And he has to stop himself just short of telling this infant, who can’t even understand what he’s _saying_ , that he’s so, so proud of him. It’s not his place. He’s not Joshua’s dad.

That’s something that hurts him, just a little, when he thinks about it. It’s not jealousy, Tommy’s never been _jealous_ of anyone else having a kid. It’s just… general sadness. About Gordon, and Joshua, and family.

It’s still hard to voice it all, every ounce of anxiety he has over how he feels about Gordon, even though he’s been venting to Joshua every time he’s babysat the kid, and he _knows_ Joshua doesn’t understand. 

“Joshua… do you have any ideas? For - for talking to your dad? About, uh... everything?”

Joshua blows a spit bubble in response.

Tommy laughs, finally pulling his hand away, content to just cross his arms on the edge of the crib and watch Joshua pick at his pajamas. “I… I care about him a lot. I’ve told you. I - you’re - you’re really good at listening, you know that?”

He spins the mobile above the crib, and Joshua’s attention is immediately captured by the movement of the little stars and planets. His eyes light up, the same way they do _every_ time the mobile moves, and Tommy doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of it. Joshua’s little grabby hand motion, the giggling, the babbling, all of it. 

Tommy does not understand how people hate kids. He doesn’t get it. Cannot relate to it.

There’s a moment of hesitation before he continues, like it’s normal to be afraid of rehashing the same nonsense when you might as well be talking to thin air. “I still don’t know what… what I’m going to do. I don’t know. I - it’s so hard, how am I supposed to _say_ any of it - any of it to him? It’s hard enough talking to you. I’m just going to mess it up.”

Joshua says nothing.

“I wish I could say something. Wish I could - could just suck it up, and ask him out, or something, but he - Gordon has so much on his plate, I couldn’t.” And he’s having to wipe his eyes again, crying over everything _again_. Like it’s not pathetic enough to want to ruin your ex-coworker’s - your _friend_ ’s - recovery process. Selfish. Selfish is one thing Tommy really doesn’t want to be, not towards Gordon, not now.

Gordon was _just_ convinced to go to therapy, for fuck’s sake. Just convinced to call someone, get some kind of help.

He can’t control his voice when he starts up again, and his throat threatens to turn every word into a sob. “He’s so - he’s perfect? You’re both perfect. And I just want… I want a chance.”

Joshua reaches up towards him, grabbing at the air, so Tommy meets his fingers halfway. Smiles when Joshua does, echoes it right back, coos little encouragements as Josh tries to sit up. Tells him it’s okay when he can’t, he’ll get it next time.

He’s worked himself down to a small sniffle by the time Gordon unlocks the door. Eyes barely puffy by the time he’s on his way out, telling him that, no, he can’t stay for dinner. Because he can’t. He couldn’t. It’d be too hard. 

Just a polite goodbye. It’s all he can manage.


	2. Chapter 2

When Joshua finally learned to sit up on his own, about two weeks later, Gordon had called Tommy immediately. 

It was almost 10 AM, and Tommy had been asleep, but he wasn’t upset to be woken up. Gordon was excited, so excited, and Tommy could just _tell_ he was gesturing wildly as he talked, just from the sound of his voice. Could imagine it so vividly, could imagine sitting right there on the floor with him, with Joshua. 

Tommy had promised to babysit the next day, and he got to see it for himself - Joshua, the mad baby, he’d done it. He’d learned to sit up all on his own, and Tommy was so proud. _So_ proud. He told him that, this time. No embarrassment. Joshua’s just a baby, anyway.

He’d promised to stay for dinner, too, just the once. Never done that before, not without Dr. Coomer and Bubby over as well, but there’s a first time for everything. Tommy got to be there when Gordon got to sit Joshua down on his high chair for the very first time, listened to him talk about work, listened to him complain about his car, the traffic on the way home. About how expensive baby food is, how he wishes he knew more about making it at home, making sure Joshua got the right amount of everything. 

About how grateful he was that Tommy was helping out, because it’s hard to find someone he trusted, these days. After Black Mesa, even with therapy. Even after everything, he felt like he could trust Tommy more than anyone else.

It hurt to listen to, hurt to process. Any warm feeling he got from being trusted was overshadowed by the reminder of how bad Black Mesa had fucked him up, had fucked them _all_ up.

It made him feel more selfish for wanting to stay, wanting to ask. Because he wanted to, was _going_ to. Was going to ask him, tonight, no question, if he wanted to - to get coffee? To go out somewhere? God, where was there to _go_? 

Tommy just offered a sad smile in response, said he didn’t mind, would watch Joshua whenever. He doesn’t stay for dinner the next time, or the time after that. He can’t handle it.

* * *

When Joshua stood for the first time, pulling himself up using the couch, Tommy got blurry pictures right after it happened. And a call, of course, but Gordon hadn’t wasted much time talking about how proud he was, how excited he was. He wanted Tommy to come over as soon as possible, wanted _him_ to see. 

Tommy wasn’t busy. Well, he _might_ have been, but this was a lot more important. 

He knew better than to read into it, but he read into it anyway on the drive over. There’s - Gordon didn’t ever tell the rest of the team about this. Not until Coomer asked after Joshua specifically, at least. This was something he only did with Tommy, and that’s the worst part.

He nearly locked his keys in his own car thinking about it. Nearly tripped over the uneven pavement of Gordon’s stupid driveway, nearly tried to open the door without even _knocking_. Like his brain tricked itself into thinking this was where he lived, like this was all a normal thing to be doing. 

And maybe it is. Maybe this is a normal friend thing, and Tommy just doesn’t have the friendship experience to pull from to try and understand why Gordon keeps inviting him to stay for lunch, or dinner, or to watch a movie. Is it because he’s babysitting, is it because they’re friends, is it because he feels like he has to? Just to be nice?

Makes him wonder. If Gordon had a better option, a closer friend, would he still be speaking to Tommy this much? Is he the first choice, or the last?

When he knocks, Gordon answers immediately, probably in the living room, yelling that it’s unlocked. 

He’s sitting on the floor, cross-legged, holding Joshua in his lap when Tommy walks in. When Tommy puts his bag down on the table by the front door, when he pulls off his stupid lab coat - which, yeah, he _did_ drop everything at work to come see this. Normal friend things. But when he takes off his stupid labcoat and puts it next to his bag, Gordon’s smiling up at him so brightly, he feels like he’s looking into one of those sunlamps his dad kept insisting were good for him.

Gordon’s wearing an apron, one of the ratty, vintage ones he’d inherited from his great-grandmother. He was probably cooking dinner, probably in the middle of it right when Joshua took his first steps. Tommy hopes he remembered to turn the stove off. 

Okay, well - this is veering too far into ‘Honey, I’m home!’ territory for Tommy to be completely comfortable with, but that’s fine. It’s fine when Gordon waves to get his full attention, because Joshua is pulling himself back up to stand using Gordon’s shirt. And when Joshua turns and spots Tommy, when he falls back against Gordon’s chest, giggling, doing that adorably little grabby motion with his hands, that’s fine too.

He doesn’t exactly expect Gordon to let Joshua go so that he can crawl the short distance between them, just a few feet, but that’s also… fine. Fine when Joshua uses the fabric of Tommy’s slacks to pull himself up, hugs his leg, still giggling. Fine. Tommy’s not going to cry, it’s fine.

Joshua nearly shrieks with laughter when he picks him up, and, okay, _maybe_ Tommy is crying. Maybe he’s crying, but that’s fine too, probably. As long as he doesn’t look at Gordon, see his reaction, it’ll all be okay.

But, God, how could he _not_ be emotional about all this? Joshua’s clinging to his shirt, still laughing, drooling a little, and - when he smiles, there’s this little bit of white peeking out, and Tommy literally cannot believe it, can’t stop himself from asking, no matter how hard talking is right now.

His voice is wavering, just a bit. A little off balance. “He’s got a - you didn’t tell me he got his first tooth!”

“Yeah, sorry, sorry - he’s hit so many milestones lately, I can hardly keep track.” Gordon, in the ultimate act of solidarity with his son, uses the couch to pull himself up to stand, doesn’t even comment on Tommy’s inability to keep his voice level, doesn’t bat an eye. Just laughs, brushes himself off, pulls off his apron and sets it on the sofa behind him. Closes the same 5 foot distance Joshua just did.

Tommy offers to hand Joshua over, but the kid just clings to his shirt harder. Gordon laughs again, softer, a little higher. Stands a little closer. Tommy can’t tell if he’s trying to send some kind of signal here.

He wants nothing, absolutely _nothing_ more than to kiss him. Just lean in and be done with it, deal with the consequences later. Ruin a friendship, be selfish for once. For once in his life, be selfish. 

Takes him a bit to realize Gordon’s staring at him, eyes full of nothing but concern, because Tommy’s been staring right through Gordon in turn. 

“Hey, uh… Tommy, if you want, you can stay? For dinner, I mean.” His voice isn’t quite a whisper - he’s not sure Gordon even knows how to speak that quietly. It’s something they’ve always had in common. Can’t regulate volume to save their lives.

Stay for dinner. Gordon always wants him to stay for dinner. Tommy wants to stay forever. They can’t exactly split that difference, not when he can’t read Gordon’s intentions, not when he can’t tell what he wants, why he keeps asking. Stay for dinner. Just stay for dinner, Tommy.

He… he _did_ leave work for this. He’s still _got_ work. He’s literally, _actually_ still on the clock at a lab that’s across town. Tommy realizes that, as lenient as his boss is, this is _not_ a good look.

He’s taking too long to respond, he _knows_ , because Gordon’s doing that thing he used to do in Black Mesa. Hand on his shoulder, then on his cheek, the slightest of seemingly platonic contact that still makes Tommy's heart race. Gordon is touchy, always has been. Every moment Tommy’s known him, he’s always been overly touchy with everyone on the team. 

Touch-starved little man. Tommy leans into the hand cupping his cheek, because, God, he’s right there with him. And, more than anything, more than the kissing thing, he wants this to mean something, even if he knows it probably doesn’t. Never will. But it does feel nice.

Joshua makes an unhappy little sound, probably bored of them just standing there, and Tommy takes the opportunity to hand him back to Gordon. The kid is a _really_ good distraction. Tommy picks up his bag, grabs his coat, trying to nonverbally convey ‘apologetic’ as best he can until he figures out the best way to turn him down.

It’s not like he’s lying about it, about the fact that he didn’t really think the whole ‘leaving work just to see a baby walk’ thing through. “I’m sorry, Mr. Freeman, I… I left Darnold to cover for me at work, and I can’t leave him - can’t just leave him alone there forever!”

Gordon looks disappointed, which… great. That’s fine. “Oh. Okay, just - are you free tomorrow night?”

“I’m... babysitting for you tomorrow night?”

“Oh, yeah, I - so, there’s… I’ll text you about it, actually. Just, God, _please_ don’t read them while you’re driving.”

Anxious, lonely, touch-starved little man. Tommy wishes he was brave enough to stay, call Darnold and tell him something important came up. Brave enough to kiss Gordon goodbye, at least. If he could fight waves of soldiers, aliens, even his _best friend,_ he could at least do this.

But Tommy wasn’t brave at Black Mesa, and he’s not brave now. It’s fear. Fear that makes him only able to nod in response to what Gordon’s saying, makes him turn and run back to the safety of his car. Fear that keeps him from checking his texts long after he’s back at work.

When he sees that Gordon’s asked him out to dinner, complete with a _very_ wordy apology for it being on such short notice, assuring him that he can absolutely get someone else to babysit, Tommy’s almost too afraid to respond. Almost.

‘Okay!’ is all he can manage to send.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops. its multichapter now!! sorry this is where ive been. researching baby development milestones.

**Author's Note:**

> dont be weird here ill kill you
> 
> joshie is around 7 months old. this is unrelated 2 my other fics! just had an idea that wouldnt leave me. seemingly unrequited love is sadder than true unrequited love, i think


End file.
